STOP Forcing “Sorry”. START Exercising Apologies.

When I was young and I would fight with my (Step)Mom, I would often end up in my room angry and/or crying after storming off. Sometime later, after I was allowed sufficient time to cool off and calm down, my Mom would creep upstairs and ask if she could speak with me. If she found me somewhat level-headed again, she would offer an apology for her part in the fight. She wouldn’t tell me what I did wrong or rehash what we were fighting about, she would simply apologize.

Perhaps, that is not exactly what happened, but that is what I remember. Perhaps, she would tell it differently, but that is the lesson I was left with: that she would apologize for her role in the fight.

I often hear adults telling children that they need to say “sorry” when they’ve done something wrong. I get the logic behind it - the idea that the child needs to recognize they did something wrong, make amends and practice that skill. But is saying “sorry”, really cutting it? Even, when we require them to say what they’re sorry for?

I say “sorry” so many times a day without a second thought, because I am Canadian. HA! Sorry is also the equivalent of “excuse me” or “pardon me” in many instances. But most of the times that I say sorry, I’m not actually sorry at all. I am only being polite or considerate of others.

Sorry is easy, probably since I have been practicing it since I was a toddler. Sorry I pushed you; sorry I stole your crayon; sorry I was rude to you; and on and on. Sorry – I just want to make this go away so we can move on with life.

Apologies are a lot harder. I don’t apologize even a quarter as much as I should. When I fight with my partner or my best friend, often we let time heal wounds rather than actual apologies: tiptoeing silently around each other until the storm blows over or something makes us laugh and move on.

Apologies stick with you. Apologies take ownership and a desire to make amends. Apologies are hard because they recognize that we did something wrong. But the ability to give an authentic and meaningful apology can really shape character and self.

I have recently started trying to be more conscious of giving apologies in my life and it is really hard. I recently apologized to my step-daughter for being impatient and generally in a bad mood which had nothing to do with her, but impacted the way in which I was responding to her. I have to admit, that I cried throughout most of my apology because recognizing one’s own faults and how they impact another is tough stuff; however, I think it is important. I also recently encouraged her to apologize to her father when she was being grumpy about going out with him, but try as she might she couldn’t get out the words – though I saw her in extended hug, the wheels of her mind spinning.

Apologizing means that I can recognize when I do something wrong and verbalize it. My hope is that by modeling it, she will also learn how to do this in her own life. My hope is that in our house - we make amends, we take responsibility for our own part in our actions, and we work towards being our best selves, while also acknowledging that we are all human and make mistakes.

Reflecting on your skill in apologizing is important for everyone. For example, in work situations: Are you taking enough time to truly acknowledge and apologize for when you may have stepped on someone else’s toes or unintentionally offended someone? Or how about in your personal life, with friends, partners, and family members? Looking for opportunities to apologize and take ownership of your actions can have a significant impact on your relationships across a wide variety of settings. It is also a great example for those around you to inspire and encourage them to continue reflecting on the ways in which they maintain authentic and caring relationships.

For younger children, this may look different. They don’t necessarily have the language capacity or the attention span to discuss apologies on a cognitive level. For younger children, we can model this by verbalizing what is occurring and what that may feel like. For example, “Oh no! Look at Sammy’s face. He looks really sad that you took his toy. Can we find him a toy to play with?” OR “Uh oh! Jan is crying because you hit her. How can we help her feel better?” This is far more effective in helping children understand the consequences of their actions and how they can work to improve the situation, rather than “You need to go say sorry to Sammy/Jan for make him/her feel badly”.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive to teaching children how to apologize, but saying sorry is not apologizing. Saying sorry is a barrier to overcome so children can go about their play. Children can say sorry (even like they mean it) with only the intention to fulfill adult requirements.

By instead appealing to their sense of empathy in labeling an emotion or feeling, and making them proactive in solving the issue, they can learn to take ownership and make amends for their actions. When we teach them that saying sorry “gets them off the hook”, we begin to cripple their social and emotional problem-solving skills, by giving them a “one-size-fits-all” solution. By appealing instead to their skills, you can help them to build the capacity to apologize in the future. Apologies can take many forms, but sorry will always only be spelled with 5 letters.

We can also encourage this skill by looking inward. I am sure that I am not the only one who is apologizing infrequently or ineffectively. If we all took a little more time to apologize authentically and meaningfully, the world would be a whole lot nicer.

That is the world I want our children to live and learn in and it is something we can all do right now.

#relationships #apology #sorry #children #families #education #earlychildhood